Everyone knows how to identify one, but do we really know what to do about them? Now call me a National Socialist if you like, but I think they should wear armbands. They should wear armbands and we should shuttle them away into Douchebag ghetto's where the Douchebag version of Ben Kingsley (Alan Arkin, no okay. I kid. Larry Linville) works to find factory jobs for other less qualified Douchebags.
This idea can work, if we all put our minds to it. We CAN exterminate Douchebaggery in our lifetime. But it will take sacrifice. Yes, there will be some easy girls in bars who might not be able to go home with some Douche one night. But not to worry, there's plenty of Losers and Try-Hards out there to take up the slack. Seth Rogen wanna-be's need love to after all. And it won't be easy. We might need to throw a fresh baseball cap off of a bridge (sticker intact and all) and tangle the earrings of two Douchebags together, you know, just in case one is somehow smart enough not to go, he will definitely get pulled over by the other. This is due to the fact that it is excessively unlikely you will find more than 1 in 2 smart Douchebags.
And what benefits will the rest of us reap? Most important to me perhaps is that never again would you have to deal with some 3/4 drunk, loud mouthed Douchebag sitting in with you and your group of friends at the bar, with his eye on one of the female members of the crew, loudly proclaiming in the middle of humourous anecdotes that everyone should 'bounce' and head for another club/bar (no line, no cover and free drinks of course) where this scene will invariably unfold:
Douchebag: "Yo' man, where's Roscoe?"
Douchebags Friend: "He's inside man."
Douchebag: "He didn't wait for us? Is it still free cover?"
Douchebags Friend: "Fifteen bucks."
Douchebag: "Okay - everybody wait. Free covers over but I can still get us in. I need to make some calls."
In the words of Mr. 12 Gauge sawed-off: "Ku-chik - BLAM!"
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